Walking in the darkness to find my Soul and finding Joy


Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

My absence has been long but called for.  Every so often, in the lives of some of us, an upheaval occurs through no fault of our own.  We face our worst fears and either succumb to them or we fight.  The darkness that comes with this is devastating, it rocks us to our core and we question everything that has meaning in our lives.  We question even our own existence.  This darkness can be all consuming or, through strength, it can be an opening to our inner world and our Shadow.  The result is connecting with our Authenticity, our Truth and our JOY.

This is not my first time down this rabbit hole.  My first was thrust upon me unexpectedly as most are – extenuating circumstances led me to be (thankfully) sitting in the ER Department of our local hospital when I suffered what they called a “vasovagal faint” – generally caused by a reaction to something (mine being a potassium injection) – wherein the blood pressure plummets and the heart stops.  Life ceases – for me it was 48 seconds.  When they brought me back – cracked sternum and two broken ribs later thank you very much – I knew everything was different.  My journey into the deepest, darkest depths began.  I walked this darkness for an indeterminable about of time, pasting on my ‘Suzie Homemaker’ façade each morning all the while the turmoil of my Inner Self was raging inside.

At that time I had no one to turn to; no one to guide me and tell me what was going on.  I questioned everything – my upbringing, my beliefs, my life, my values, the world, the universe.  No stone was left unturned.  Through all this, my inner voice – the voice of reason, my guides, the Universe – helped me through each calamity, helped me answer my own questions and showed me where to look for answers.

I came out of those dark months changed.  My biggest realisation (the most obvious!) was how short life was and how little time we have to do what it is we are here to achieve.  I realised quickly that putting off till tomorrow what we truly desire is fruitless, waiting for the perfect opportunity to run with an idea was wasteful, associating with people who were so far removed from our belief system was criminal.  And so, gradually, I began to make the changes in my life I now felt were imperative.  I began my quest to better my life and the lives of my children, to guide others who are seeking to do the same, to better understand the world in which we live but to also strive to make it better.  My biggest hurdle – How?

For several years, I worked on everything I thought I needed to do in order to make my life and those around me, better.  I learnt to heal myself and others, I learnt to commune with nature and the Universe.  I learnt to trust my inner voice, the voices of my guides and the guidance sent to me from Spirit.  Yet, something was missing.  I still had a feeling there was at least one, if not several, pieces missing in the puzzle.

Several months ago I felt the darkness descend once again.  I knew this time what to expect but it is never the same.  Where before, each day was filled with a revelation, an unveiling and dusting off of pieces of the puzzle, this was a gut wrenching, heart breaking upheaval.  I spiraled with little control over any emotions.  Little, if any, light seeped into the dark tunnel.  I knew that the work I had to do was truly heart centred, baring my soul to the Universe and asking for guidance.

I wept for events ingrained in my DNA, carried down through the generations; I wept for the world as it is now and for the possible world to come if we don’t change its path.  I knew though that I couldn’t wallow even when my outer voice, my Ego, told me it would be so much easier to stay in the sadness and let all this be somebody else’s problem.  I found the inner strength to work my way out of the blackness that surrounded my soul until I found the warmth of the unconditional love of the Universe and the self-love that had eluded me for so long.  I found my JOY.

Now, even as I question my choices, I do so with a peace and calmness in my heart.  I see life as it is – I am no longer concerned with the daily grind dictated by society or the labels we each carry.  Time is no longer linear – as if by magick, I dictate how fast or slow it passes.  I understand that judgement on others is not productive nor is trying to understand them and label them – they are who they are, their choices are theirs to make and the consequences of their actions are theirs to bear – just as mine are for me.  I see the tiny threads of the web that connect all of us to each other, to the planet, to the Universe.  I see birth, life and death as a cycle not a beginning nor an end.  We are here for reasons and our life purpose is to find that reason, to learn from it, to teach it, to live it, to embrace it and, above all, to love it.

Unconditional love is not something we learn, it is not a label, it is not something we can pick up and put down.  It is a way of living.  It is what we breathe in and out every day.  It is in our actions, it is in our attitude, it is in our values and our beliefs.  It is in all of us, undiscovered and waiting.  The threads of the web bind us together, we are all the same and yet we are all different.  Stop seeing life – truly open your eyes and look at life.  Don’t just hear the world around you, stop and truly listen to all the sounds – inside the human sounds are the sounds of the universe.  Everything communicates with everything else through the threads of the web, through Spirit.

Does the darkness ever truly lift?  Does the questioning ever stop?  I don’t think so,  If it did, it would mean we would cease to exist.  Embracing change in our lives is part of our spiritual journey, as is asking questions and finding answers.

We cannot live a life of pure light, or pure forgiveness.  We cannot expect a life where no upheaval touches us – we are each here to live our human experiences which includes darkness and light, questions and answers, certainty and mistrust, inclusion and rejection.  Learning to accept and learn from these experiences is what leads us closer to understanding our purpose and living in unconditional love.

I am a conscious & spiritual life coach, mentor, meditation teacher and healer. I work with people globally from all walks of life.  I believe my life purpose is to help guide people into their true, authentic selves.  We are all significant, we are all powerful, we all seek our freedom.  If we can connect into our intuition, develop self love and acceptance, give up judgement and make conscious choices in all aspects of our lives through rediscovering our inner strength and self-worth, then we are able to live a life of purpose and meaning.

Connect on Facebook and Instagram.  Safe journeys, Namaste Leanne



  1. westcoastwoman · December 1, 2018

    You have so eloquently written the journey I have also been on the last three months and as described it was also not the first time down this ‘rabbit hole’ The only way out is in…..and this time I stayed long enough in the liminal space to learn both the teachings of self love and unconditional love. thank you for this inspirational post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • divinefemininetribe · December 1, 2018

      Thank you for your words. In the past 24hours I have come across others who have also been through this and I believe it has been a necessary path for so many of us so we can support the next shift in our world. Namaste ❤️


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